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  • Writer's pictureJulian Chan

First steps...

Updated: May 29, 2021

I've been in a creative and mental slump for a long time. Quite a LONG time. And I only realised this last year in the midst of the whole pandemic.

It's easy to get caught up in so many things, especially being a full-time working musician - going from one gig to the next, teaching private and university students. I had always considered myself one of the "lucky" ones in the scene, being a saxophonist, and always working, one way or the other. But here's the catch, one that I didn't realise until as recent as last year: I've just been caught up in every other person's ebb and flow that I didn't find the space and calmness to find out what was mine.

In that space of time, I had forgotten to check in with myself and find out what was really important for me and what I would like for my future. The constant movement of all these other external sources always kept me moving in a direction - any direction, really. When there were slow periods of non-activity, I felt really uncomfortable with that silence because I felt like I was not going anywhere. As a matter of fact, I didn't even realise I was not going anywhere. I was going in circles.

No, a spiral, to be precise. A circle meant that you would meet back at the same point you started. But in a spiral, you're going in circles that never meet and it gets tighter and tighter but to no end.

I had lost myself.

It took a pandemic for me to finally wake up to that fact. It also took the guidance of very special people in my life that helped me see things the way they are as well. And I'm extremely grateful for them, and I thank the Universe for putting them in my life.

Now, it's the time for recovery. I'm still in a creative slump, but I'm finding out what my creative side is like. I'm trying to find me.

Welcome to my daily blog.

(this post is dedicated to my MY)

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